in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
