did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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