apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
