Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
