By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
