my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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