i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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