Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
