OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
