I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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