With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
