Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
