sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
