Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
