We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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