I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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