Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
