I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
