yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
