A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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