surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Send help, water and tortillas.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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