it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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