I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
