just tell him i said nine months
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
