Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
