John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
