I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
