tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
