i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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