I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
