I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I woke up under a house in Key West
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