worst night to have a conscience
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
