oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What a dumb baby whore.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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