Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
