I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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