saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
