I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
