She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Randomize
