guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
