Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
