Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
