god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
