i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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