i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
