I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
