I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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