Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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