Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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