Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
