Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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