just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
