I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the liver wants what the liver wants
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
